Arriving at LAX

November 2^nd 2006

MAUD

Jemima - where the fuck are you? I hope you've not gone off chasing that bleached blond surfer - who I promise is NOT someone famous....anyway - hurry up - a nice porter helped me with the bags - of course I wouldn't have needed one if you hadn't decided to bring half of your family estate with you. And then he stood there waiting after loading them in the trunk of our cab - which by the way is running on a meter... I couldn't work out what the hell he wanted -at first - and then he told me - a tip! - A tip for doing his job - honestly - well I would've tipped him but you have all the dollars - so where the fuck are you?

JEMIMA

sweetie- it was a disaster.

You know the trolley dolly with an anaconda in his pants- well I just had to have him while you were napping on the flight. Was ok as mile high shags go I suppose- felt a little uncomfortable afterwards but put it down to dehydration and the shocking downgrade in first class amenities( sorry sorry my darling- next time I promise to spring you out of economy so we can chat- God I needed one of your foot rubs).... anyway, it was in the awful queue to go through customs that I saw them grab an apple from some poor thing's hand luggage- told her it was against the fucking law- jesus christ- and that's when I remembered something awful.

See, I'd had a little bit too much fun on Halloween and when Billy Butterdouche the Third suggested bobbing for apples I suppose the temptation to slip one up there in my bliss nest was too much to resist. Cut a long story short- he never bobbed deep enough for the fffing apple and it remained firmly lodged up my poonanny until I remembered it at LAX. You can imagine sweetie- I just had a total kerniption( how do you spell the fffing word?) - imagined the worst- deep dish apple pie- probably a crumble by now what with the attentions of the dolly trolley, and demanded to see a gynae right away. Would have told you but you were looking for my Vuitton at the time and they dragged me into some nasty formica office and suggested I might be smuggling! Don't know where you were at this point but I told them that if they didn't assist in getting the fucking apple chunks out of my vagina right there and then I'd sue them for granny smith cuntitis. God these Americans are slow. They eventually got some Mexican lady to don some gloves and hey presto I had air in my nether regions once more. It has all been a bit much so I'm having a scotch in that little bubble restaurant that looks like a space ship. Come up so we can regroup and get the fuck over to the Marmont. luv 'mima

can you get some fags on the way?

Sent from my hand held cracked berry

MAUD

How awful - I hope you cleaned up thoroughly after being rummaged - as my aunt Belinda's second cousin Marge always says -you never know where their hands have been ( I think she meant her hubbie Cecil but still you get my meaning). If you'd stop and think for one second you wouldn't have been in such a mess - ugh apples - really - Mima - what were you thinking. Ok so a space ship type thingy - I'll have to drag Jose ( the porter) as I just can't carry all this luggage plus - he's very keen to get his tip... at least I've managed to practice my Spanish - who would have thought that LA would be more Spanish than English! Got to work out how to say fags in Spanish - will see you in a tick...can't believe how many bloody bags first class let's you take - I had to leave half my luggage at Heathrow...oh well - see you in a mo

MAUD

Mima - need your help – Jose ( the porter) abandoned me and took the trolley - he took quite an offence when I asked him for fags - no idea why? Can't quite manage to carry all this luggage up - and the bloody lift at this bar place has broken down...

JEMIMA

darling I took a taxi to the hotel because you were taking soooo long. Guess who is staying at the hotel with us?

sent from my sore and battered crack..oh look I see a crowd- the driver says it's Perez Hilton. I always thought he was a girl. God I'm jet lagged...more later...