Dialedin xmas party

MAUD

December 22nd 2006

Jem’s – where are you? I swore I saw you over in the corner talking to that big brute of a guy – the one who looked like he belonged in planet of the apes? But then realized it was a girl who was much too porn queen to be you!!! - Have you seen her – I wonder if she’s famous?!? Sorry It was the blonde hair - once she turned I realized there is no way that your breasts are that big!

Anyway all I can say is either this English accent thing is the ticket to meeting men or is it the straight hair -or all men in LA are desperate – don’t answer that one.

So many cute guys – of course I get stuck with the midget English public school boy who was sooo rude - there I was perching my tush on a seat just to take a breath between Fergie’s “London Bridge” song and some random reggae tune when he basically asked me to move… well first he asked if I was comfortable and I thought what a charming man(he hadn't stood up so I thought he was tall!) and then a second later he asked if I could move my bag and then...he told me that his friends would be upset if I was sitting there - I mean -who the fuck is he – and why does he think that he owns the table just cos his friend had reserved it…anyway I didn’t move -and then of course his charlied up mate returned and decided he quite fancied me – rather difficult to hold a conversation though – one he was boring but two I couldn’t keep my eyes of his gurning jaw – rather fascinating how fast your jaw can move from side to side when off your head…anyway I need you to come rescue me – there’s only so much gurning I can take –it’s starting to make me feel quite dizzy….

JEMIMA

I am in the bogs with the porn star's boyfriend- and I know why he's in business! What a schlonger! darling I absolutely detest gurning- if you're going to get facial twitches every time you do a little line it's time to stop. Very odd place this- swore I drove by once and it was a pool hall- now it's rather chic. what the fuck is it called... hang on a mo

that's better. Big boy's gone. Just composing myself and coming out to chat up that pervy Santa Clause with a camera. And who are all these Dialedin people? what the f is Dialedin? why doesn't any one in this town speak ingles... oh dear. growler sore xxx order me another margarita. jimjam

Maud

Pervy Santa Claus - more like he needs a good scrub - anyway Dialedin - it's a new My Space type thing -all I can say there are alot of cute men but god help us as soon as they start talking - I fall asleep. Place is called Jimmy's Place - not bad for a pool hall...anyway I have to escape some guy called Steve - nice bloke but swears he saw me in a dream or something - I swear I just sawsomeone famous - you know big guy, curly hair -was married to Shannon Elizabeth. Oh Jems I think I see you - are you by the bar? Oh shit and so is Gurning Gary...

Britney's Growler

December 10th 2006 JEMIMA so darling we have got to start wearing panties! Get here as soon as possible so we can go to Agent Provocateur. Last night we had a little dinner party and one of my luvverly male friends who shall remain nameless said that he had found himself buying trashy magazines- you know the tabloids sweetie- and I asked him why. "I've got a thing for Brit Brit" he said about Paris Hilton's new poochie friend. " Something about her huge tits and baby one more time- it does it for me." "Have you seen the pictures of her growler?" I asked and he was so suddenly in such a kerniption I had to get out my lap top and show him the pictures I was sent of her getting out her car pantieless. Now I thought her moomoosh looked rather sweet- all clean and tidy but within seconds his desires and fantasies were crushed. " It's all over." he complained. "What? so fast? How so?" I screeched in amazement." two minutes ago you wanted to bang her solid!" " Yeah but now I've seen it. That's it- the mystery is gone. It is no longer a golden chalice it is a muddy hill- a tepid bog." Well fuck that I thought. Better get some panties pronto . There is no way on earth I want my chalice relegated to peat and moss in someone's mind just because they see it unannounced. Men- they are fuckers. Still- he did ask me to email him the pix right there and then - so it may be a bog but still worthy of a barclays. Come over and let's shop xxx jemmie

MAUD

Forget about big panties - I have just found the perfect place to buy trendy stuff for under 20 dollars - I mean it is the LA version of Top Shop. You might laugh Jems - but remember my bank account isn't quite as bottomless as yours and nor are my panties! I found the cutest dresses - look just like a little Prada number but cheaper and fair enough so the material isn't as great but in two months the trends out and I can go back for more - Forever 21 - honest - I'm taking you there as soon as I get back...and it's quite close to Victoria's Secrets- so youcan go getsome big pants from there...although my mother just sent me some new underwear - very sensible elasticated hip huggers - you can have them if you like - I haven't worn them...

Cuba Gooding Junior and David Harewood

December 1^st 2006

JEMIMA

I need to find Cuba Gooding Junior and fuck his brains out. Darling it's a must... I'm staying at my cousin's in Hancock Park and we got a dvd to while away the evening- something called Shadowboxer. A very weird movie- almost like the director was schizophrenic- I mean there were some moments of brilliance and then there were moments of true badness- and the cast- Helen Mirren was great- especially as she had a couple of sex scenes with Cuba( I need to suck on his cigar for at least an hour!)- she does love a good old rumble does Helen- I once saw her in a play at the National or somewhere- no recollection of what it was but she wore a tight skirt with a slit up the back and I was in row two and I promise you I could see her pubes from the back- you know little curlies between the legs escaping from her panties...anyway. she was good, Cuba was outstanding- he carried the film but the rest of the cast were either in another film entirely or something- some poor girl had to wear such an awful wig it just didn't make sense- why would anyone bring such attention to themselves with such a hideous thing on their head- and she's supposed to be in hiding- seriously it was like one of those Orthodox Jewish things in ash blonde and she even wore her disguise when they were alone in the house. I mean those things itch. Other truly bad things were her labour- her waters broke she yelled pushed once and there was a baby- I mean artistic licence is one thing but that was just ludicrous. And her finger banging scene while fantasisng over Cuba's arse was true comedy. But but but Cuba shone in a new light- not just because he was sexy but he steered a straight course through very choppy waters. Maud you need to find out where he hangs out. Who do we know that knows him- I want him to split my beaver so bad I am going to have to finger bang myself- hurry over so we can get brekkie xxxx the honourable Jemsy jems

MAUD

Never mind Cuba Gooding – do you think your cousin could squeeze a little one – that hotel you suggested I stay at turned out to be some sleezy motel – I mean what possessed you to think it was the in place for young Hollywood….

JEMIMA

allo allo- yes never mind Cuba- just heard David Harewood is in town- he's in that film with Leo and co- Blood Diamond- and there's a premier lah lah lah. Now David may not have the profile here yet but he will- he is one of the most mesmerising talented actors on this planet. I swear I mean this professionally although he also has skin to die for- pure velvet ahhhh. Anyway, lots of rumours surround him and I have to tell you they all be true( heard the one about the anafuckingconda?) and sadly for us girlies he is now settled with kiddies so no more fox loving bliss nest hunting a la Harewood. We shall just have to admire his acting talents from now on. Sad sad sad is a poor girl's pussy. Oh well... so now what the fuck are you doing in that motel? No one told you to stay there!Come over pronto- cousins are out and I am still in bed. Come and snuggle. And question of the day- why do they call it an eight ball? ping pong ping don't bring coffee I neeed to sleep see you soooon luv the Hon jemmy jammy knickers

MAUD

Never met David – but didn’t he have the hots for you oh so long ago – who is he playing in the movie? Anyway am on my way out of this motel – good job I only have one piece of luggage –although some of my things have gone missing – swear I saw some hooker wearing that nice Marc Jacobs jacket you gave me for Christmas !!!. by the way – I think I may have landed a small job – all because of my English accent – some young producer guy ( he also mistakenly thought the motel was a hot spot) suggested that I could assist him…see you in five!

Korean hair straightening

November 24th 2006

JEMIMA

So I went to your hair place - Kim Youg Sun - what is it?and the long and the short of it is that I have to wait till the colour grows out a bit blah blah blah. So, being disgruntled I decided to go for a stroll down Western. It looked a boring street but the thing is that I have discovered that in Los Angeles you just have to get out the bloody car- I mean they would kill for the window space in London or New York but they just love the whole warehouse thing here- and mini malls are just vile...anyway I digress...so first stop was the lovely little Ethical pharmacy on the corner of Western and Beverly- just charming,got some hangover cures and cold remedies, vitamins and a flowery tea pot and off past the San Marco Hotel which isn't a hotel anymore. Felt hungry so I dived into Pho2000 where I had an oxtail pho which made me cream my knickers- just the sort of food that can kill a virus at a thousand paces. Broth, oxtail, fresh basil, hot sauce- yummy. Then sweetie- I spied this little pastry shop- very trilly fa la la which I realised the Koreans like- anyway- into the mini mall and there is this shop with so much delicious yummy pastry- I have a dozen Danish pastries - Green tea, chocolate feuillete , apricot, banana, fresh strawberries, banana- it's off the ffing chain! I almost feel like sex I got that excited but I am headed back so we can have some tea and cakes...wait the fuck for me honey honsxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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MAUD

What color is your natural hair – not sure I’ve ever seen it au natural? Yeah I forgot about that - Auntie Ethel’sniece – you know the one whose man bats for the other side – anyway she went against everyone’s advice and got her hair straightend – all I can say is now she’s getting more attention from the girls than she would like – looks like Natalie Portman in the Starwars movie – without the pouty lips, great bone structure – and she’s three stone heavier – but you get what I mean… Cakes ! – I’m not sure Hon – you see I’ve been working out that being 7 and a half stone in LA is a tad bit on the heavy side – I mean one of my friends did mention that I may want to lose a little – I can’t believe that someone actually told me that!!!!

JEMIMA

No darling I am on an eating diet because Anorexia is out there- all these young girls are dropping dead off the ffing catwalk. I need to eat... maybe it's the weed- must get more- just helps the day zing by and all this food is making my boobs jiggle. c u in a sec xx

Washington scuzz

November 20th^th 2006

JEMIMA

I am so hung over..darling I need to straighten my hair- where is that place?

I was on Washington last night- well it started the afternoon before but anyway- what a place- can't tell you why I was there but...On the way saw a lovely building- like a cake- it had a sign above" Willing Workers" and I thought we must take that building for an office- what the fuck we'd do with it is irrelevant- anyway was told no one would come there...just look around, he said...Anyway ....there's a stretch that is really scuzzy- round La Brea and every bus stop is a different spot for weird people. There was a police car parked by one stop and a drunk visciously stamping round swigging from a bottle. Then I saw a little hooker up and down outside a really cheap motel- who the fuck would dare go there? - got out of there, partied with new boy- he's delicious but very young- also worried because most of his friends seem to be in AA and he doesn't want to do anything in front of them. Told him that in my opinion a glass of wine would be fine and he looked at me as if I was mad...in private it's a different matter so I am worried about him. Gotta go- he's coming xxxx Jems

MAUD

Weird about Washington – I was there – only yesterday and saw a couple of coppers kicking the shit out of some guy – no idea what he’d done but he seemed pretty harmless – just a little drunk – back in Britain no one would have batted an eyelash at a drunk. Your new guy probably thinks he’s in need of therapy after a bottle of Chardonnay…anyway went out with the friend – you know the guy whose room mate got bludgeoned to death – well ok – got the story slightly wrong – his room mate is still alive –apparantly she was attacked with a brick and my friend was never involved – he was in the other room tidying up and heard nothing – he still says we can stay at his by the way…anyway met with him and his new missis. Quite a surprise not a stripper at all – not even from Vegas – no idea why I got that wrong – they had a quickie wedding in Vegas – she’s bright, dresses a little off – knitted cardigans but still very nice personality – but get this – they are living in separate homes – now my auntie Ethel’s niece did that with her man and found out he was busy batting for the other side….so who knows…what are we doing for dinner tonight – am running out of cash …thinking that I need a little job – no idea what though…

PS that straightening place is in Korea town - no one speaks a word of ENglish - I nearly ended up with a perm - good job I had my Korean phrase book - my bag is weighted down with SPanish and Korean phrase books - who would've thought LA would be so ...foreign!

JEMIMA

just stopping for lattesxxxxxx

Mani pedi eyebrow pussy

November 17th 2006

JEMIMA

so I needed a mani pedi eyebrow pussy desperately- so I ducked into one of those places you see on every corner. Why is it that they all yell at each other about you and think that you can't understand?

Sweetie it's been awful- been a bit lax with the pedis- I mean it was boots and heels till we got here- November is not supposed to be this fffing hot. Anyway, my toe nails were yellow- rather disgusting even I have to admit but I'd been touching up here and there with my OPI waitress red and my mother was right- your peepers need a breather from time to time. Anyway, toe nails were horrid and yes I knew it so why did I have five people yelling about my feet- three of them - a mother and daughter on another station all staring at my feet as one of them derided my nails loudly in Vietnamese. Eventually I said" look- does everyone need to stare at my feet?" and one of them with blue eyebrows and permanent lip liner said "Yes-I run this place." Well- this is the last time I come here- I told her it was very rude to talk about people in another language- rather like whispering behind their back but she stared at me like I was talking crap...my pussy is up next and at least that is in good order- sees the light of day a lot more than my feet do. I'll show her. Anyway, the clit will shine- I'm going for the Brazilian and if she starts yapping about the state of my pudding I'll slap her xxx I love you.. where are my magazines? xxx hon xx

MAUD

I really don’t know how you can go through the whole pussy waxing thing – the pain – plus some strange person seeing your private parts…come to think of it – you’re probably used to that ! I thought I’d go do a bit of yoga – they say it’s all the rage in LA and honestly I’ve never done a days exercise in my life so thought I’d give it a go. Well first of all I get there and everyone looks so fit that I’m quite ready to turn and leave and then – I see him…now after my incident with the porn star – I’ve sworn off actors – but coming out of the advanced class before mine – standing right in front of me - sweating like a pig – I mean dripping – is – Adrian Brody – you know the guy who always looks like he’s been starving himself and needs to grow into his nose…yep and he gave me that look – the look that said – “ I know I’m an Oscar winner – “.. of course I ignored him – I mean – I’m far too cool…as for yoga – well the eastern mysticism kind of fell flat when my teacher opened her mouth – and I heard her northern Leeds Dialect…honestly …have booked a months worth of lessons – a good looking Indian guy is in my class - sure he’s a respectable boy… just need to work out how to do a downward dog without keeling over…

Mx (PS I left your magazines by your door this morning…)