ARRIVING

MAUD

Jemima - where the fuck are you? I hope you've not gone off chasing that bleached blond surfer - who I promise is NOT someone famous....anyway - hurry up - a nice porter helped me with the bags - of course I wouldn't have needed one if you hadn't decided to bring half of your family estate with you. And then he stood there waiting after loading them in the trunk of our cab - which by the way is running on a meter... I couldn't work out what the hell he wanted -at first - and then he told me - a tip! - A tip for doing his job - honestly - well I would've tipped him but you have all the dollars - so where the fuck are you?

JEMIMA

sweetie- it was a disaster.

You know the trolley dolly with an anaconda in his pants- well I just had to have him while you were napping on the flight. Was ok as mile high shags go I suppose- felt a little uncomfortable afterwards but put it down to dehydration and the shocking downgrade in first class amenities( sorry sorry my darling- next time I promise to spring you out of economy so we can chat- God I needed one of your foot rubs).... anyway, it was in the awful queue to go through customs that I saw them grab an apple from some poor thing's hand luggage- told her it was against the fucking law- jesus christ- and that's when I remembered something awful.

See, I'd had a little bit too much fun on Halloween and when Billy Butterdouche the Third suggested bobbing for apples I suppose the temptation to slip one up there in my bliss nest was too much to resist. Cut a long story short- he never bobbed deep enough for the fffing apple and it remained firmly lodged up my poonanny until I remembered it at LAX. You can imagine sweetie- I just had a total kerniption( how do you spell the fffing word?) - imagined the worst- deep dish apple pie- probably a crumble by now what with the attentions of the dolly trolley, and demanded to see a gynae right away. Would have told you but you were looking for my Vuitton at the time and they dragged me into some nasty formica office and suggested I might be smuggling! Don't know where you were at this point but I told them that if they didn't assist in getting the fucking apple chunks out of my vagina right there and then I'd sue them for granny smith cuntitis. God these Americans are slow. They eventually got some Mexican lady to don some gloves and hey presto I had air in my nether regions once more. It has all been a bit much so I'm having a scotch in that little bubble restaurant that looks like a space ship. Come up so we can regroup and get the fuck over to the Marmont. luv 'mima

can you get some fags on the way?

Sent from my hand held cracked berry

MAUD

How awful - I hope you cleaned up thoroughly after being rummaged - as my aunt Belinda's second cousin Marge always says -you never know where their hands have been ( I think she meant her hubbie Cecil but still you get my meaning). If you'd stop and think for one second you wouldn't have been in such a mess - ugh apples - really - Mima - what were you thinking. Ok so a space ship type thingy - I'll have to drag Jose ( the porter) as I just can't carry all this luggage plus - he's very keen to get his tip... at least I've managed to practice my Spanish - who would have thought that LA would be more Spanish than English! Got to work out how to say fags in Spanish - will see you in a tick...can't believe how many bloody bags first class let's you take - I had to leave half my luggage at Heathrow...oh well - see you in a mo

MAUD

Mima - need your help – Jose ( the porter) abandoned me and took the trolley - he took quite an offence when I asked him for fags - no idea why? Can't quite manage to carry all this luggage up - and the bloody lift at this bar place has broken down...

JEMIMA

darling I took a taxi to the hotel because you were taking soooo long. Guess who is staying at the hotel with us?

sent from my sore and battered crack..oh look I see a crowd- the driver says it's Perez Hilton. I always thought he was a girl. God I'm jet lagged...more later...

MAUD

2am - I know you’re probably worried sick – but I’m here at the hotel – a bit of struggle what with all the luggage and you having all our cash- but luckily I took my Great Aunt Jane’s advice(you know the one who’s not my aunt really but somehow related to dad’s aunt…)–anyway she taught me to always be cautious and have some cash stuffed away for emergency – lucky that it was in my sock bag in my one suitcase…Couldn’t tip anyone though – so had to bloody well drag all the luggage into the lobby! Anyway – I’m here but – a bit of a mix up not sure how this happened but my room was given away – luckily a nice gentleman- Mathew McConnolly? Or was McConner? McConay? Well anyway it Mc something - claims he’s some famous actor – like I’d fall for that - anyway sorted it out- so when you wake up tomorrow – ring down to the reception and ask for the valet room – it’s small - bijoux I think they call it…oh – and the Mathew guy suggested we meet him for breakfast but I put him straight – I may be just off the plane but I know not everyone in LA is a star…sleepy – must sleep – just got to try and work out how to get to the bed without damaging any of your Viutton bags…

JEMIMA

Sweetie, hello hello- sorry I disappeared for a few but he was gorgeous- I have to say Los Angeles has a fine firefighting team -very adept in all departments. I ended up at his gaff in Los Feliz and of course he has funny hours and me with a vestige of jet lag still, found myself strutting the streets early in the am.

Took the car in for a detail at the local car wash. If that isn't a cover up for some Armo Mafia shop you can dishonour me. Got into a convo about the SL 500 with some tricked out swarthy with enough gold around his neck to shame my Auntie. Nice enough bloke except for the nose hairs. Told me the guy in Borat is actually talking Armenian. Hmm, fascinating...anyway...decided to get a coffee and look around. The Village( huh? where is the psot office- very LA La to call a hanful of shops a village) is a strange place. The land of the blondes- there are three local blonde bombshells in the area. Number one has a massive lock of hair down to her waist- very nice ash blonde- wanted so much to ask her what shampoo she uses but she looked out of it- you know- standing there by the bus stop nodding. Talking to someone in her head. She wears baggy baggies and a very cool pair of specs. Didn't blink when I slipped her a fiver. Just two minutes up the road I saw her counterpart. Must be 60 and really falling apart in the face. Make up on like a hookers- trainers( ugh how I hate those out of the gym!), knotted ropy veins on her legs which were barely covered by a short forest green nylon mini- it seemed to have no elastic in it and she had to clutch it as she stomped around the bus stop on the other side of the road from the dreadlocked librarian. Definitely wasn't going to ask her about her shampoo. And then, at another bus stop I saw the queen of the homeless blondes. Seen her a few times and she is in a different outfit every day- one day all in cream, another sleek black leather and another head to toe denim. Her hair is platinum - no fucking roots in sight. sunglasses on her head, high heels, perfect maquillage. tasteful jewellery and high heels. You'd never know she was homeless except for her sun pickled sausage feet and her pile of luggage. Desperately wanted to chat to her but the Armo came up the street and asked me for a coffee. Wasn't tempted- the firefighter was still at home- got out of it as I was still clutching my Starbucks which I waved under his wiry nostrils. Anyway- see u later at Urth . If I have to wear lentil burger shoes at that place I'll kill you.

XXX That Simpson girl has my Vuitton! Ugh.

MAUD

Everyone has your Vuitton - well except me- there’s something to be said about being the only person with a $10 copy from that little shop in Nottinghill…have had loads of compliments. Anyway maybe a little late to Urth – I know I’m not meeting you for another hour – but it’s good to be forwarned as my Auntie Edith – (she was on my dad’s side) would always say. I’m stuck in the Social security place – it’s very odd – went off to open a bank account for us - bloody nightmare – the woman at the bank( I think she was Armeninan) anyway – she looked at me as if I was going to rob the bank and was even more suspicious when I said I had no idea what she was talking about – Social security number – apparently you can’t get anywhere without one – so two forms of ID- social and a visa - so here I am on Sunset in the longest line ever – waiting to get one. I have some goss - in front of me is a woman who is the spitting image of Penelope Cruz – who’d have thought she’d be stuck here waiting in line too and I swear I saw Tom Cruise at the bank . Got to go - some strange Korean woman is beckoning me over to the counter –

MAUD

Mima – am rushing to Urth as I blackberry - I know I’m five minutes late – will you forgive me…ended up having a bit of a fight with the Korean lady - she kept telling me that my visa wasn’t the right one – anyway - got it sorted - well kind of…starving hungry… oh and I got a text from my friend – you know the one - he’s the one who was in his room with his earphones on while his flat mate was bludgeoned to death in the living room – did I tell youabout that – anyway – big mystery – no-one knows who did it…well first he text and was very kind and asked if we wanted to stay at his till we sorted ourselves out (he’s still living in the same place…) and – he’s just got married – to some girl from Vegas – and I thought he was gay…can see Urth – see you in a mo!

JEMIMA

he's totally gay- any fag hag worth her salt can see that. Who the fuck did he marry- she's probably gay too.

Fuck Urth let's pick up something at Fred Segal and try on clothes...need some retail therapy...the fire fighter is married... the wife is back today so that's the end of my ladder and hose piping for a while. Better get some knickers on before I get to FS- second thoughts I'll buys some.. I'm sticky xxx c u sooon xxx Jems xx

MAUD

He married a vegas girl – who knows could be a stripper!!! – Look J- I hope you don’t mind -but er – well I got to Urth and was waiting and I met a cute guy – well he gave me his number – we’re just going to have some coffee – nearby at his place – and don’t you start thinking things – he’s perfectly respectable – he’s an actor – and I mean he really is - he showed me his SAG card I demanded proof – as my mum’s best friend Aggie always said – never trust a man with a pretty face unless they can prove they have their own pot of cash- so anyway… I inspected the card – it was all kosher – so just a quick one - he wants to show me his reel…

JEMIMA

you slut, j

MAUD

J – can u come pick me up…turns out cute guy isn’t a reputable actor – his reel was – well – I’m embarrassed to say this but it was filthy porn!!! And ,,,to make matters worse - after I told him I wasn’t that kind of girl – he told me to leave as he had to go cos his shift started in an hour – no not more porn – at the bloody Pizza parlor … I should have listened to my cousin Marge – she always said never believe them when they say have a big wad –it’s not always the case…I’m so embarrassed – I need a vodka just to calm my nerves…

JEMIMA

so I needed a mani pedi eyebrow pussy desperately- so I ducked into one of those places you see on every corner. Why is it that they all yell at each other about you and think that you can't understand?

Sweetie it's been awful- been a bit lax with the pedis- I mean it was boots and heels till we got here- November is not supposed to be this fffing hot. Anyway, my toe nails were yellow- rather disgusting even I have to admit but I'd been touching up here and there with my OPI waitress red and my mother was right- your peepers need a breather from time to time. Anyway, toe nails were horrid and yes I knew it so why did I have five people yelling about my feet- three of them - a mother and daughter on another station all staring at my feet as one of them derided my nails loudly in Vietnamese. Eventually I said" look- does everyone need to stare at my feet?" and one of them with blue eyebrows and permanent lip liner said "Yes-I run this place." Well- this is the last time I come here- I told her it was very rude to talk about people in another language- rather like whispering behind their back but she stared at me like I was talking crap...my pussy is up next and at least that is in good order- sees the light of day a lot more than my feet do. I'll show her. Anyway, the clit will shine- I'm going for the Brazilian and if she starts yapping about the state of my pudding I'll slap her xxx I love you.. where are my magazines? xxx hon xx

MAUD

I really don’t know how you can go through the whole pussy waxing thing – the pain – plus some strange person seeing your private parts…come to think of it – you’re probably used to that ! I thought I’d go do a bit of yoga – they say it’s all the rage in LA and honestly I’ve never done a days exercise in my life so thought I’d give it a go. Well first of all I get there and everyone looks so fit that I’m quite ready to turn and leave and then – I see him…now after my incident with the porn star – I’ve sworn off actors – but coming out of the advanced class before mine – standing right in front of me - sweating like a pig – I mean dripping – is – Adrian Brody – you know the guy who always looks like he’s been starving himself and needs to grow into his nose…yep and he gave me that look – the look that said – “ I know I’m an Oscar winner – “.. of course I ignored him – I mean – I’m far too cool…as for yoga – well the eastern mysticism kind of fell flat when my teacher opened her mouth – and I heard her northern Leeds Dialect…honestly …have booked a months worth of lessons – a good looking Indian guy is in my class - sure he’s a respectable boy… just need to work out how to do a downward dog without keeling over…

Mx (PS I left your magazines by your door this morning…)

JEMIMA

I am so hung over..darling I need to straighten my hair- where is that place?

I was on Washington last night- well it started the afternoon before but anyway- what a place- can't tell you why I was there but...On the way saw a lovely building- like a cake- it had a sign above" Willing Workers" and I thought we must take that building for an office- what the fuck we'd do with it is irrelevant- anyway was told no one would come there...just look around, he said...Anyway ....there's a stretch that is really scuzzy- round La Brea and every bus stop is a different spot for weird people. There was a police car parked by one stop and a drunk visciously stamping round swigging from a bottle. Then I saw a little hooker up and down outside a really cheap motel- who the fuck would dare go there? - got out of there, partied with new boy- he's delicious but very young- also worried because most of his friends seem to be in AA and he doesn't want to do anything in front of them. Told him that in my opinion a glass of wine would be fine and he looked at me as if I was mad...in private it's a different matter so I am worried about him. Gotta go- he's coming xxxx Jems

MAUD

Weird about Washington – I was there – only yesterday and saw a couple of coppers kicking the shit out of some guy – no idea what he’d done but he seemed pretty harmless – just a little drunk – back in Britain no one would have batted an eyelash at a drunk. Your new guy probably thinks he’s in need of therapy after a bottle of Chardonnay…anyway went out with the friend – you know the guy whose room mate got bludgeoned to death – well ok – got the story slightly wrong – his room mate is still alive –apparantly she was attacked with a brick and my friend was never involved – he was in the other room tidying up and heard nothing – he still says we can stay at his by the way…anyway met with him and his new missis. Quite a surprise not a stripper at all – not even from Vegas – no idea why I got that wrong – they had a quickie wedding in Vegas – she’s bright, dresses a little off – knitted cardigans but still very nice personality – but get this – they are living in separate homes – now my auntie Ethel’s niece did that with her man and found out he was busy batting for the other side….so who knows…what are we doing for dinner tonight – am running out of cash …thinking that I need a little job – no idea what though…

PS that straightening place is in Korea town - no one speaks a word of ENglish - I nearly ended up with a perm - good job I had my Korean phrase book - my bag is weighted down with SPanish and Korean phrase books - who would've thought LA would be so ...foreign!

JEMIMA

just stopping for lattesxxxxxx

JEMIMA

So I went to your hair place - Kim Youg Sun - what is it?and the long and the short of it is that I have to wait till the colour grows out a bit blah blah blah. So, being disgruntled I decided to go for a stroll down Western. It looked a boring street but the thing is that I have discovered that in Los Angeles you just have to get out the bloody car- I mean they would kill for the window space in London or New York but they just love the whole warehouse thing here- and mini malls are just vile...anyway I digress...so first stop was the lovely little Ethical pharmacy on the corner of Western and Beverly- just charming,got some hangover cures and cold remedies, vitamins and a flowery tea pot and off past the San Marco Hotel which isn't a hotel anymore. Felt hungry so I dived into Pho2000 where I had an oxtail pho which made me cream my knickers- just the sort of food that can kill a virus at a thousand paces. Broth, oxtail, fresh basil, hot sauce- yummy. Then sweetie- I spied this little pastry shop- very trilly fa la la which I realised the Koreans like- anyway- into the mini mall and there is this shop with so much delicious yummy pastry- I have a dozen Danish pastries - Green tea, chocolate feuillete , apricot, banana, fresh strawberries, banana- it's off the ffing chain! I almost feel like sex I got that excited but I am headed back so we can have some tea and cakes...wait the fuck for me honey honsxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

<

MAUD

What color is your natural hair – not sure I’ve ever seen it au natural? Yeah I forgot about that - Auntie Ethel’sniece – you know the one whose man bats for the other side – anyway she went against everyone’s advice and got her hair straightend – all I can say is now she’s getting more attention from the girls than she would like – looks like Natalie Portma in the Starwars movie – without the pouty lips, great bone structure – and she’s three stone heavier – but you get what I mean… Cakes ! – I’m not sure Hon – you see I’ve been working out that being 7 and a half stone in LA is a tad bit on the heavy side – I mean one of my friends did mention that I may want to lose a little – I can’t believe that someone actually told me that!!!!

JEMIMA

No darling I am on an eating diet because Anorexia is out there- all these young girls are dropping dead off the ffing catwalk. I need to eat... maybe it's the weed- must get more- just helps the day zing by and all this food is making my boobs jiggle. c u in a sec xx

JEMIMA

My friend Koo Koo called...wants us to go to a pole dancing class. She

>bought a pole- showed me- the handyman was there to put it up and she was hoping

>it would be discreet- doesn't want him doing her plumbing and thinking about

>her wrapped around his pole- anyway- came out of the box with a picture of a

>half naked sex kitten draped around it in a very unhousewifely way. " Little

>Minx Stripper Pole " I think it was called. They put it up and then found a

>huge hook- supposedly you disguise your recently installed stripper pole with

>this hook and hang a bunch of fucking flowers from it- have you ever thought

>of anything so absurd? Who would have an ffing flower pole in their

>bedroom...I am on my way xxxx cu in 5

MAUD

Glad to hear you're on your way - I tried to say I was on the guest list with you but they weren't having any of it - so am stuck at the back of the queue at the club - text me when you get here - feeling a bit put out that the bouncer wouldn't let me in - I mean I'm with a member of the English upper crust - bloody PAris Hilton swanned past me - so annoying....

Not sure I could manage a pole - not after trying to entangle myself out of some wierd lotus position at yoga this morning... Hurry up thought you said you’d be here in 5?

JEMIMA

I need to find Cuba Gooding Junior and fuck his brains out. Darling it's a must... I'm staying at my cousin's in Hancock Park and we got a dvd to while away the evening- something called Shadowboxer. A very weird movie- almost like the director was schizophrenic- I mean there were some moments of brilliance and then there were moments of true badness- and the cast- Helen Mirren was great- especially as she had a couple of sex scenes with Cuba( I need to suck on his cigar for at least an hour!)- she does love a good old rumble does Helen- I once saw her in a play at the National or somewhere- no recollection of what it was but she wore a tight skirt with a slit up the back and I was in row two and I promise you I could see her pubes from the back- you know little curlies between the legs escaping from her panties...anyway. she was good, Cuba was outstanding- he carried the film but the rest of the cast were either in another film entirely or something- some poor girl had to wear such an awful wig it just didn't make sense- why would anyone bring such attention to themselves with such a hideous thing on their head- and she's supposed to be in hiding- seriously it was like one of those Orthodox Jewish things in ash blonde and she even wore her disguise when they were alone in the house. I mean those things itch. Other truly bad things were her labour- her waters broke she yelled pushed once and there was a baby- I mean artistic licence is one thing but that was just ludicrous. And her finger banging scene while fantasisng over Cuba's arse was true comedy. But but but Cuba shone in a new light- not just because he was sexy but he steered a straight course through very choppy waters. Maud you need to find out where he hangs out. Who do we know that knows him- I want him to split my beaver so bad I am going to have to finger bang myself- hurry over so we can get brekkie xxxx the honourable Jemsy jems

MAUD

Never mind Cuba Gooding – do you think your cousin could squeeze a little one – that hotel you suggested I stay at turned out to be some sleezy motel – I mean what possessed you to think it was the in place for young Hollywood….

JEMIMA

allo allo- yes never mind Cuba- just heard David Harewood is in town- he's in that film with Leo and co- Blood Diamond- and there's a premier lah lah lah. Now David may not have the profile here yet but he will- he is one of the most mesmerising talented actors on this planet. I swear I mean this professionally although he also has skin to die for- pure velvet ahhhh. Anyway, lots of rumours surround him and I have to tell you they all be true( heard the one about the anafuckingconda?) and sadly for us girlies he is now settled with kiddies so no more fox loving bliss nest hunting a la Harewood. We shall just have to admire his acting talents from now on. Sad sad sad is a poor girl's pussy. Oh well... so now what the fuck are you doing in that motel? No one told you to stay there!Come over pronto- cousins are out and I am still in bed. Come and snuggle. And question of the day- why do they call it an eight ball? ping pong ping don't bring coffee I neeed to sleep see you soooon luv the Hon jemmy jammy knickers

MAUD

Never met David – but didn’t he have the hots for you oh so long ago – who is he playing in the movie? Anyway am on my way out of this motel – good job I only have one piece of luggage –although some of my things have gone missing – swear I saw some hooker wearing that nice Marc Jacobs jacket you gave me for Christmas !!!. by the way – I think I may have landed a small job – all because of my English accent – some young producer guy ( he also mistakenly thought the motel was a hot spot) suggested that I could assist him…see you in five!

JEMIMA so darling we have got to start wearing panties! Get here as soon as possible so we can go to Agent Provocateur. Last night we had a little dinner party and one of my luvverly male friends who shall remain nameless said that he had found himself buying trashy magazines- you know the tabloids sweetie- and I asked him why. " I've got a thing for Brit Brit" he said- Paris Hilton's new poochie friend. " Something about her huge tits and baby one more time- it does it for me." "Have you seen the pictures of her growler?" I asked and he was so suddenly in such a kerniption I had to get out my lap top and show him the pictures I was sent of her getting out her car pantieless. Now I thought her moomoosh looked rather sweet- all clean and tidy but within seconds his desires and fantasies were crushed. " It's all over." he complained. "What? so fast? How so?" I screeched in amazement." two minutes ago you wanted to bang her solid!" " Yeah but now I've seen it. That's it- the mystery is gone. It is no longer a golden chalice it is a muddy hill- a tepid bog." Well fuck that I thought. Better get some panties pronto . There is no way on earth I want my chalice relegated to peat and moss in someone's mind just because they see it unannounced. Men- they are fuckers. Still- he did ask me to email him the pix right there and then - so it may be a bog but still worthy of a barclays. Come over and let's shop xxx jemmie

MAUD

Forget about big panties - I have just found the perfect place to buy trendy stuff for under 20 dollars - I mean it is the LA version of Top Shop. You might laugh Jems - but remember my bank account isn't quite as bottomless as yours and nor are my panties! I found the cutest dresses - look just like a little Prada number but cheaper and fair enough so the material isn't as great but in two months the trends out and I can go back for more - Forever 21 - honest - I'm taking you there as soon as I get back...and it's quite close to Victoria's Secrets- so youcan go getsome big pants from there...although my mother just sent me some new underwear - very sensible elasticated hip huggers - you can have them if you like - I haven't worn them...


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